My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
