i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
