I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
