wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
