im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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