the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
