Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
why do cheetos always look like penises
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
