i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
