Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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