My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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