Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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