so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
