Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
