Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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