my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
