its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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