I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
