You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
