I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
