Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
