onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
