i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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