i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
