So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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