Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
