just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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