she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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