I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
