broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
