the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
