I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
that is very illegal...i love you.
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