Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
