i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We're too hungover to prance.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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