I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
