You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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