I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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