Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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