I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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