I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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