I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
