You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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