i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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