Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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