She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
