i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
