There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
