You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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