I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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