my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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