The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
